vulnerability

Vulnerability -
Capable of being hurt. Subject to physical or emotional injury.

I thought of you again today, but this time i struggled more to hide it from society's prying eyes.

I did something bad today, something very bad.
I revealed a secret in which I was not entitled to share.
When the secret holder found out about this I automatically felt the hole begin to surface.
I guess I'm just quite vulnerable at the moment, such a little thing, like a possible, slight, momentary loss of trust or a friendship made my mind drift back to you.
My eyes soon began to well up.

I miss you immensely.
Monday's are not easy for me, it's not because it's the start of the school week, but it's because my day is filled with volleyball, I have training and I also play a game.
When I serve I think of you, just as I'm about to hit the ball, my mind drifts. Then my serve fails.

I'm not sure how I will cope in Toowoomba without you. It will be a struggle, the first comp without you.

I miss you so much, I may seem bullet proof and unharmed on the outside, but on the inside I'm a hollow monster.
I have begun to retaliate against my family, my mother in particular, I'm often very short with her, and then I feel very bad for it.
And I know your passing can;t be used as an excuse but I feel ever since you left me I have struggled to regain my footing, or live my life as the person you would want me to be.

Rest In Peace Des.

OTH

I am watching One Tree Hill.

I feel happy whilst watching it.

It makes me peaceful.

I'm at ease.

OTH just makes time fly positively.

I sometimes cry, laugh or feel envious.

This show makes me sad sometimes, makes me jealous.

Why can I not be a famous actor?

If these Teenagers could do it, why not I?

That is one main thing I wish to achieve in life. FAME.

It is highly unlikely but if i have learnt something over the last few months, is that its important to have a dream. No matter how unrealistic it may be. It is something to strive towards, making every day worth living.

Stage 4

The 5 Stages of Grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.

I can't wait to reach step 5.
It is something that I cannot force my mind into. It is something that will come in time. I will eventually get there. I have been struggling for some time now.

I was originally In-Denial..... He was going to walk through the door. It was going to be all a life lesson. He was going to come back.

The he didn't. Then I was Angry and Confused. The whole situation didn't make sense. Why would god take him from us. why WHY WHY!!

Then I didn't feel anything for a while. I just stopped. As I look back on it, I feel like there was a month missing from my life. Gone. Dead. I don't know where it went; but it's gone.
I do not believe I have experience Bargaining. Due to the fact I don't know what it means. But there was a time between stages 2 and 4 that something was missing. I felt something different. Bargaining may be all those promises I made to myself that I never kept. The ones to change my self, change my appearance. Now I feel I have gotten fatter instead of Skinnier.

I am now currently in stage 4. Depression. I do not like to admit that I may be depressed, but all the signs seem to lead in that direction.
I have not yet spoken to anyone about this. Except you.
I read a magazine, It said if you answer yes to four or more of the following questions, it's possible you're suffering from depression.
These were the questions:
Have you felt sad, miserable or irritable for more than two weeks?
Have you lost all interest in things you usually love?
Have your grades dropped?
Have you gained or lost weight?
Do you feel restless, agitated or slowed down?
Do you feel tired all of the time?
Do you find it quite hard to make decisions?
Do you have difficulty concentrating at school?
Do you have a feeling of worthlessness or guilt?
Do you feel like life sucks?

Some of you may be thinking, well she doesn't seem depressed.
It is often quite common for depression to be easily covered up.
Though when I am not around my friends, I often go right down, I begin to talk slowly and do things slowly.
I'm not sure if it is normal to notice things like this in yourself.
I don't know if I am over reacting.
But what I do know is, I answered yes to more than four things in that list.
I would not like to go into in-depth discussions about this due to my tear ducts.
But don't think I'm not open for discussion.
If anyone knows be they will assume that anyway.
I have seen the signs, I may be overreacting but I want to feel better.
I want to reach stage 5.
I'm not sure if I ever will, but I want to get out of stage 4.

RIPD

Often.

I Sometimes just go to my room and cry.
I Sometimes just think about you, and picture you standing by the BBQ.
I Sometimes see you.
I Sometimes do things to make you proud.
I Sometimes do things you loved to do.
I Sometimes hear you.
I Sometimes just want to see you again.
I Sometimes miss you.
I Sometimes think I'm Depressed due to your absence.

I Sometimes do all these things quite often.


RIPD

Jennie's Addiction

Don't you hate it when you wake up and there is porridge, ready made, just for you, and you go to take that first delicious spoonful, and you realise there is a giraffe in it?

67 days ago.

On Friday, I went into your room. You still weren't there.

Though I felt you, for that moment that I stood in your doorway, look at your room, blocked out everyone in there. I felt you.

It was too weird, I don't think ill go back soon, But I will one day.

I still wear those bracelets you got me, on my right ankle.

The Red Frogs one you got from schoolies especially for me.

And the one you got from Thailand for me.

I remember when you gave me the Thailand one, me and Tiana were sitting in your room, at your desk, eating lunch with you. You told us about the monkey that came into your room and stole the fruit like a ninja. Then we started talking about how Steven dates student and wouldn't be able to work. That was the first time you found out.

You first mentioned the red frogs one in Melbourne, you said you got it for me and I'd have to remind you when we got back to school, of course I forgot, but on the first day, you gave it to me.

You knew I loved their organisation ever since my first AGMF. You remembered.

You remembered alot.

You knew most things about me.

It wasn't that I told you things so many times that the information was forced into your brain.

You wanted to learn things about me.

About all of us.

I'm sure Johno is a great guy and stuff, but he's not you. He never will be, No-one will ever fill your place.

It is just too hard right now to talk to him, I feel bad though, I should be all nice and welcoming.

But it's so hard, because what if he is like you. What if he wants to learn things about me. I can't deal with that possibility.

It's true what they say, You don't know what you got till it's gone.

I had no idea what I had in you, I'm still not sure if i realise the immense impact you made on me.

But what I do know now is that your gone. You've been gone for 67 days now, am I'm starting to think your not coming back.

Rest In Peace Des...

tears can't save you now.

Sometimes, things annoy me.

Sometimes, I could cry.

Sometimes, I could over-react.

Sometimes, I don't care.

I sometimes realise the bigger things in life, that I begin to stop worrying, I begin to realise that everyone eventuallies dies.

You might not know everyone in your life as well as you wish you did.

My Grandmother dies a month before my second birthday, I never knew her. She knew she was dying so she prepared a special present for my 18th birthday.

I'm not excited to drink, I excited to know someone I never did.

My other Grandma died a month after my 8th birthday, I did know her, she had red hair and now I'm just like her.

I miss her sometimes, dad often says how proud of me she would be. Do people stop being proud once they die. we can't she just be proud of me.

I didn't get to spend much time with these wonderful women, but i know they are completely a part of me.

You might know someone so well that you never want them taken from you.

Recently, with the loss of Des, I have been finding it really hard to cope. Lots of things remind me of him, and my eyes begin to well up. But then i snap back to reality, like i have just now, and I continue on with my life, as my clock counts down, and i don't cry. Because I only knew him for about 2 years. people lose their mothers, just as my parents have, or their lovers, just as Des' wife has. And they Miss their loved ones. I should not cry like i do, I should carry on with my life and be greatful for what i do have, and the people I have. Because they're here with me, right now.

I love my Grandmothers, And I love Des,

I miss all of them, Des more than the others.

I didn't connect with them like i did with him.

I guess i knew him in a more significant part of my life.

But i miss him, Every day that he is gone.

And everyday i come to realise more and more,

that he's never coming back.

He is not going to walk through that door and it just all be a life lesson.

I have given up on that dream.

He is never coming back.

101.

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you,
I miss you

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

new favourite movie.

i'm selfish

It is not I that needs you.
It is your family.
I'm not the most needing, the most important.

i miss you

It's times like this that I just need to see you.
See your smile.
Hear your laugh.
See you up there.
Hear your whistle.
But I know I can't, and I wont for a while now.
But I need you.
I need you to help me.
I need you to help me get through this.
I need you to help me get through this and succeed.
I need you to help me get through this and succeed and pass.

I just need you.
I just need you to listen to me.
I just need you to help me.
I just need you to be there for me.
Just like you always used to.

I would not be having trouble if you were still here.
If you weren't distracting me from what I should be focusing on.
But I miss you.
I can't get through this without you.
I need you.
I miss you.

I thought I was getting through this,
but once I start to struggle,
I need you back.

Kate Audrey Ovenden

Brooke, my Cousin, had a baby on the 3rd of June.

Her name is Kate Audrey Ovenden.

She weights 7.5lbs.

She is 24 hours old in these above pictures.

She currently has brown hair and blue eyes.

She is beautiful.

ida know much. but one thing i know is that she's pretty alright

nananananana Spider-Camel

my favourite subject; ftv

Our EXTREMELY Productive FTV Lesson.
Not to mention out 30 MUSIC VIDEOS.